Maybe I wasn't quite ready for retirement.

PPQ has gone into retirement...this blog is bust.

Please feel free to browse her archives (ooh-err!).

Thank you.

We spent hours listening to sad songs, pondering their meaning
Wondering if they ever found their happy endings
We were inseparable
Dependents
We gently manipulated each other
He didn’t like me spending time with other boys
I didn’t like him spending time with other girls
Perhaps we mistook our mutual love for something more than friendship
Perhaps we never should have tried to find out ‘what if?’
Some met him and thought him a bit feckless
Timid, quiet, what have you
But I saw his passionate nature
The fire in his eyes when he saw me
His devotion to me
The night he pushed me away so hard I crashed into his wardrobe door
The childhood friendship he sacrificed to win me back
But he ran when he got scared
And that wound he inflicted was slow to heal
But heal it did and in the end eros never had suited us - agape was the true love
I knew I would have been his friend till death did us part
But he walked away to another land
With a girl I could never like
And so he sacrificed another friendship on the altar to love
Changed his appearance, his smile, his beliefs
Moulded himself to fit her
From time to time I see a group e-mail telling of their visits to London
Would anyone like to meet up?
I make up my excuses
For I am weak
And I have no conceivable idea what we should talk about
And yet every now and then I still think of him
And I wonder if we’ll ever make another lasagne as we talked and laughed
And remembered what good friends we were

Soundtrack Beloved Wife – Natalie Merchant

Crisis of identity?

I know a thing or two on that subject matter.

Born in Brunei to Nepali parents, brought up in Hong Kong and England, appear asian but sound western. I often think of myself as an hybrid.

I’ve struggled long and hard with myself for a long time.

In the past, I’ve disliked myself more often than I’ve like myself, and on many a day I’ve felt like I just don’t fit in my skin, or my environment. On days like these I find myself wishing that I were more like one of my friends, with an assured idea of who they are and where they belong. But then I think, does anyone really ever feel like they fit in? Is there a PPQ-shaped hole somewhere in this universe that I would just slot into with a satisfying click?

It’s a tricky one.

But I am thirty now, and when I look back at my twenties, I realise things about myself that I never gave myself credit for back then.

I always put others before me.
I am loyal.
I am a procrastinator.
I am imperfect.
I am lovable.
I love.
I am intelligent.
I am eager to learn.
I can admit when I’m wrong.
I like knowing I’m right.
I want to make a difference to someone.
I am damn good at my job.
I want a new job.
It matters what other people think of me (even though it shouldn’t).

The more I live, the more time passes, the more I learn about myself. And these days I like myself as much as I dislike myself. There is more of a balance than there has ever been.

Maybe then there isn’t one PPQ-shaped hole in the world, maybe everywhere I go, I leave a bit of myself and I take a bit of that place with me and the shape of me changes to fit my environment.

Maybe that’s how I finally fit.

A personal evolution of sorts.

Soundtrack Pictures of Success – Rilo Kiley

I did it.

I did it!

Last week I handed in my notice and my last day working at A.N. Other Retail Ltd, where my life has been a living hell, will be the 15th December.

This means that Bonobo and I can buy a house in Oxford and grow some vegetables (amongst other things). I can leave the rat race at last, and learn how to relax these rigid elbows of mine (developed after 8 years of having to commute in this city - well you know what they say, if you can beat 'em, join 'em).

It's all so very exciting.

The scary thing is, I don't have a new job yet (Eep! This is not like me at all). But I have my fingers and toes crossed, and a few applicactions on the pipeline.

Just don't tell my Ma!

If someone had told me, back when I first started this blog, that nearly three years down the line, I would still be doing it and that I would meet my fiancé through it, I think I would have laughed.

It’s true that I don’t write regularly anymore. Mostly because of circumstance, but also because I wonder if it’s better to write infrequently of things that really matter, or more frequently about pap. The internal debate rages on and I find that my posts are still less prolific and still full of pap and less meaning. But I find myself wanting to write again. Properly.

But my plans are thwarted. Our home compooder broke.

So in the interim I’ve decided to post some links to my favourite pieces of PPQ. And by this, I mean the posts I enjoyed writing the most. You may not like them, you may think they’re overly sentimental or pointless.

But, maybe, just maybe, there may be one teeny thing that you like, or relate to.

I know it’s a cop out, that I should write some new stuff, but well, dem’s the blows.


That was then, this is now

Affinity

Not enough stars

Destiny

'Til tomorrow

Temple

Liar liar

Runaway

Whimsy

Senses

What ifs

Sinnerman

Blind date

Lost

Muse

The littlest things

I am so excited!

We have our tent, our camping chairs, our gas cooker, our bog roll, wellies, kagools....Bonobo and I are off to Latitude and it's my first time camping at a Festival! We are ready for any eventuality.

Don't worry though, I know what you're thinking...a ParanoidPromQueen like me can't slum it for a weekend...it's okay, I won a competition so we'll be in the VIP area! Huzzah!

Have great weekends y'all.

x